Today I am going to do something a little different for my email. On May 20, 2009, I sent the following email to my sons, TJ and Ray. Ray was living in Alaska, moved there in 2008 and I can’t remember if TJ was in Greenville and just couldn’t get home or if he was in Libya, Africa.
“Hey Guys,
I know you are wondering why Mom is sending you an email with the subject “Happy Mother’s Day”. She’s already talked to us; we’ve already told her we love her and she said she loves us. So…..what gives?
Well, we had a really great sermon at Church this morning about our jobs as “Mothers”. Also, I have been working on the devotion I am going to be presenting next Saturday to the ladies at Church. I have been preparing a lot of info. to give the ladies – some serious things, some funny things, etc.
As I have been typing these things, naturally I have been re-reading them. Some of them have brought so many things back to me about the kind of Mother I was when you two were growing up. I know your childhood was not the easiest in the world. I was really hard on you at times; thinking I was doing the right thing; but knowing now that I wasn’t. I gave you all the material things that I could afford. You had most of the things that your friends had.
But, I look back now (and this is not the first time I have done this) and realize that the most important thing I could have given you, I withheld – MYSELF. I was jealous of my time because I never seemed to have enough of it. I had to fight to get your Dad or your Jordan grandparents to watch you for even a little while and I know I became resentful of that.
After listening to Charles’ message this morning, I absolutely know that I was not the example I should have been. Of course, for a lot of that time I was not a Christian. I did a lot of things I am ashamed of and things I know you were probably ashamed of too. And I am sorry for those things. If I could go back and change things, I would. But, I can’t. I can only go on from here and try to be the best Christian Mom I can be. I know you are adults now, but I still need to be the Christian example.
Both of you have always said, “I love you” very easily. And so do I. It’s very easy to say “I love you” and the other person respond “I love you, too”. But I want you to know that I DO LOVE YOU – from the bottom of my heart. Never, ever take that for granted and always know that it is true. There have been times in our lives that I have to admit that I might not have liked you right at that particular time and the feeling has probably been mutual at times for you; but I have always loved you.
I haven’t told you enough that I am proud of you, but I am. You have both overcome some hardships. Some of these have been brought on by yourself and some of them inflicted on you by other people. But you both always seem to land on your feet – no matter how hard things are. I know finances are tight for you now and I wish I was in a position to help you more. But I can’t – I know it and you know it. But, that doesn’t keep me from wishing I could. I haven’t always made the wisest decisions financially. Hopefully, you have learned from my mistakes.
Thank you so much for calling me today. I knew I wouldn’t see either of you and that made me a little sad. But then I would think of children that don’t even have a Mom to call.
I don’t want fancy gifts or cards from you. Neither of you can afford them and they really aren’t necessary. The calls were my gifts. But, there is one thing both of you can give me. I would like to know for sure that I am going to be with you in Heave one day. You both say you are saved; but I really need to know that. I don’t want to spend my eternity in Heaven, knowing that I didn’t do everything I possibly could to be sure that you would be there too. We have a lot of people there waiting for us and I want us to join them one day. I pray for both of you each and every day. I ask God to keep you safe, bless your lives, find you good Christian wives, and to please draw you closer to Him.
I remember, several years ago, I was talking to Nancy Cahoon one day about how hard it was to take care of you all by myself. I told her that I felt like I was butting my head against a brick wall and that I felt like I always had to put up a good front for you guys. I always held my tears until I was in the shower and then lied to you, telling you I had gotten shampoo in my eyes. I didn’t know that you – TJ – could hear Nancy and me talking until you came in the room where we were. You were holding Raymond’s hand in yours and had tears in your eyes. You looked at me and tried to smile and said, “Mom, I knew you were crying all the time. I knew it wasn’t the shampoo because we all used Johnson’s baby shampoo.” I couldn’t help but smile, thinking I had been hiding things from you and finding out I was not successful. There have been other things I thought I was hiding from you, but in recent years, we have been able to talk about those things. I am so sorry for being the disappointment that I must have been at times. I guess you have seen that I am only human and mess up.
I treasure the relationship we have. I really love the fact that your friends like being with your Mom. I like being called a “cool Mom” by you and your friends. But, most of all, I just love being your MOM.
I love you guys. You are the reason Mother’s Day is special and you are the reason I am a special Mom.
Mom”
I would like to be able to say that I’ve never let my boys down or disappointed them since I wrote that email two years ago; but that would be lie. After all, like I said, I am human and I mess up. But, I have come a long way in my spiritual life since sending that email. I still have a great relationship with both of them. It’s been almost three years since I’ve seen Ray, but we talk at least once a week and sometimes more often. TJ and I talk several times a week. Sometimes he is my sounding board. If I’ve had a bad day at work and just need to vent, I give him a ring and he lets me spout off and then asks if I feel better. One of the things I asked for in the email above has happened. TJ has a Christian wife, Amy. She is his childhood sweetheart and is a very special lady. Ray will find his one day. I know I have not been the best Mother all the time. But, I would not trade the name, MOM, for any other name in the world.
I want to take this opportunity to wish all you mothers “Happy Mother’s Day”. I hope you have a wonderful day and if you aren’t able to spend the day with your family, I hope you are able to talk with them. I won’t see either of my children today, but that’s okay. I know I will hear from both of them. I know they love me and never fail to let me know. I am a very special Mom because I have two very special children that have made me one. I also have some “adopted” children and grandchildren that are pretty special too.
I realize that some of you that get this email are not Moms and some of you aren’t women. So, I want to wish you a very blessed day too. And if your Mom is alive, give her a call today (if you aren’t going to see her) and tell her you love her.
Brenda
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